Documents proving a pay-for-play scheme at Kansas while under head coach and inventor of basketball James Naismith have been found, the FBI said.
Naismith invented basketball in 1891 in Springfield, Massachusetts, and later went on to coach the men’s basketball team at Kansas from 1898 to 1907. He finished with a career record of 55-60 in his own damn sport, which is hilarious.
The FBI spent the last several years investigating corruption in college basketball, leading to zero people you’ve heard of experiencing any substantial punishment and LSU general manager Will Wade continuing to grow his Tigers franchise. But this time, the agency said it has Naismith dead to rights.
“I said some stuff, you guys said some stuff, we all said some stuff,” said Joon Kim, the acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York who has joined as special council or something else fancy for this investigation. “It’s not important what was or wasn’t said then. What’s important is that we got James Naismith, and there’s no way he’s getting out of this one.”
Kim talked a big game at the press conference unveiling the investigation into college basketball corruption in 2017.
“For the 10 charged men, the madness of college basketball went well beyond the Big Dance in March,” Kim said with corn billowing out from his mouth. “Month after month, the defendants exploited the hoop dreams of student-athletes around the country, allegedly treating them as little more than opportunities to enrich themselves through bribery and fraud schemes.”
After initial confusion, he later clarified that he was not talking about the NCAA despite describing it perfectly.
Nevertheless, Kim and the FBI are certain they have Naismith. Kim provided a copy of Naismith’s extensive payroll spreadsheets, fit with photos of him providing recruits and players with impermissible benefits, including various livestock, start-of-the-art horse-drawn reapers and infusions of cash payments ranging from $1 to $5 dollars. The evidence dates throughout his tenure at Kansas.
Kim explained some of the most egregious examples of corruption in what he called “The Kansas Crime Syndicate,” such as when Naismith gave recruit Festus “Farm Boy” Franklin, who went on to be an impact player on the 1903-04 squad that went 5-8, a brand new 1901 Waverly Runabout.
“James Naismith thought basketball was his game, but his schemes weren’t just for the court. As it turns out, not everything was so peachy,” Kim exclaimed proudly, lightly elbowing his FBI counterparts and chuckling obnoxiously through a smirk as his body slowly transformed into a man-sized husk of corn. “Get it? Do you get it?”
Kansas head coach and noted man of honor Bill Self held a press conference to respond to the allegations.
“You may speak with my representative,” Self said, turning around, pulling down his pants to reveal his bare ass, bending over and adjusting the microphone so it was level with his asshole. “Any questions?”
We did not have any questions.
The NCAA issued a statement following the report.
“The NCAA is wholly dedicated to not compensating student-athletes for their work,” the statement read. “Any infraction, no matter how big or small, committed by a program that doesn’t make us that much money will be punished inappropriately.”
Something Like Nylon will continue to provide updates as this story develops.