Butler Beats Liberty as LaVall Jordan and Kamar Baldwin Change My Life
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 5 Butler 73, 12 Liberty 69
After last season’s successful upset in the first round of the NCAA Tournament, Liberty entered its opening game of the 2020 Reddit March Madness with confidence it could pull the 12-5 surprise again. The team’s confidence showed to the end as it played Butler close until the end.
But the No. 12 seed couldn’t manage the upset in the end, falling 73-69.
Flames head coach Sherman Klump, known off-screen as Ritchie McKay, spent the post-game press conference shoveling food in his mouth to ease the pain.
“He’s gonna blow!” I yelped right before The Nutty Professor unleashed his meal into the air.
Once the room cleared some and oxygen returned to the atmosphere, Liberty senior Caleb Homesley, who led the Flames in scoring during the season with 15.3 points per game, was able to barely choke out statements from Liberty employees about the university through the fog.
“We’re not a school; we’re a real estate hedge fund,” he said, quoting a senior university official with inside knowledge of Liberty’s finances. “We’re not educating; we’re buying real estate every year and taking students’ money to do it.”
“It’s a dictatorship,” he said, quoting a current high-level employee of the school. “Nobody craps at the university without Jerry’s approval.”
The Butler presser was in stark contrast to Liberty’s. LaVall Jordan’s energy and charisma immediately grabbed hold of my heart, wrapped it in a soft blanket and provided it with the sweet embrace of a father’s admiration. I couldn’t muster up any questions, only offer him my gratitude for bestowing me with such gifts.
“Thank you, my son,” Jordan said, placing a wreath upon thine head and waving his hand to grace me with great fortune. “You are at peace now.”
Kamar Baldwin joined, holding his hand over mine and hymning a solemn tune.
“Hmmm,” he murmured beautifully, his gentle voice teasing my ears. “You are at peace now.”
I fell backwards but did not land, instead allowing the intrinsic energy of the universe to catch and hold me in the air. From there, I floated to Hinkle Fieldhouse and learned the true meaning of Butler fandom: elitism.
Butler will play No. 4 seed Maryland in the second round at a super secret time and day that maybe we’ll tell you if you do a dare, but it has to be a good one. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.