The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 4 Maryland 89, 13 Yale 86
This article was written by Maryland alum and College Park resident Rusty Waldorf. All views are his own.
We beat Yale. Whoopity-fuckin-do.
Hooray, we barely beat a 13 seed that doesn’t know where the three-point line is. We have highly-ranked recruits and Under Armour, and they have books and nerd stuff, and yet we only won by three points, and that’s because of free throws with 0.2 seconds left. Yay!
Good job, Mark! You did it! You beat another mid-major, double-digit seed! Time to pop the champagne!
Reminded me of last year when we needed Belmont to throw the game away on the final possession to win. Or when we need Varun Ram to not get called for a hack to beat Valparaiso. Or when we barely got by Hawaii and South Dakota State with one of the program’s best-ever point guards, a future NBA regular, a top-rated freshman and overseas pros around them. Yay!
If we don’t win the national championship in the second round, I want his ass gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. I don’t care if Damon Evans has to pull out a huge bag of lettuce to lure him out from under his rock. It’s title, or Mark Turgeon has to go.
Okay, fine, maybe I would take a Final Four. I mean, we’ve only ever been to two, and I think I could live without a championship if we got that far.
I guess if I really think about it, if we make it to at least the Elite Eight, that’ll be good enough. It’s been a long time since we did that, and it would be special to feel like we’re a real program again.
Well, if we only go to the Sweet 16, maybe it could be acceptable, but only if Duke loses before us. Duke has to lose before us. Otherwise, it’s not good enough, and Mark Turgeon must be fired.
I’m going all the way from Jersey to Anaheim for the next game, and I am bringing my full collection of Maryland flag apparel and assorted goods, plus a full case of D-cell batteries, fully charged with only one thing in mind: concussions. The only thing I hate more than Mark Turgeon is whatever team Maryland is playing, and the only thing I hate more than that is Duke. That’s why I throw batteries.
I miss the old days, when Gary Williams used to scream at teenagers and punch the air like Coach K was standing in front of him. I miss when Cole Fieldhouse was basketball’s sweatshop. I miss when we used to burn things in the streets because we were happy. But most of all, I miss when it was PC to to yell “FUCK DUKE” while the band played during games.
Now, even in the face of a pandemic, I will wait in line at Bent’s for 45 minutes, then pay $7 for cover, buy a few drinks for $3 each and stand in a crowded parking lot full of drunk morons for a few hours until I decide enough is enough and walk home to my dorm, alone and confused why people keep going to that disgusting disease epicenter.
“Fuck Duke!” yelled a drunk girl right before falling down sideways and throwing up on the Maryland flag draped over her shoulders. “Let’s go to Bent’s!”
Maryland will play No. 5 seed Butler in the second round. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
