Hoosiers are Losers to Baylor, Sending Some IU Fans into Total Despair
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Second Round – 1 Baylor 82, 9 Indiana 74
Earlier today, Baylor head coach Scott Drew said there was no way his team would go the same way Dayton did yesterday. Tonight, he proved that he knew what he was talking about.
Baylor relegated the Hoosiers to the virtual offseason, 82-74, and securing its spot in the Sweet 16. This will be the team’s first regional semifinal since 2017 and its fifth of all time, all coming since 2010.
Drew has been responsible for each of Baylor’s trips to the Sweet 16 and brought the program to a level of consistent national relevance that had previously not been seen in Waco since the Final Four runs of 1948 and 1950.
“I will leave them all vanquished in my wake,” Drew said, his pupils turning red and flames slightly shooting out of his mouth. “Pain, suffering and destruction is what I bring. Nothing shall survive my wrath. NOTHING!”
As Drew seems to be building a doomsday device of some kind through Baylor basketball, Hoosiers head coach Archie Miller seems to be doing something else. The run to the Round of 32 is an improvement from what the Hoosiers did in his first two seasons missing the NCAA Tournament, but that’s not good enough for many in Bloomington.
“How has this happened?” Richard Stroganoff, Class of ’87, asked the empty void he couldn’t escape as he wept on the floor of his kitchen in the fetal position, leaning against the dish washing machine and clutching a framed picture of Bob Knight.
He began to recite the verses of Saint Bobby to smooth his mind.
“1940, 1953, 1976, 1981, 1987,” he said to himself repeatedly, needing the constant reminder of when Hoosiers basketball brought pride and joy, not pain and suffering. “1940, 1953, 1976, 1981, 1987. 1940, 1953, 1976, 1981, 1987.”
Miller wasn’t distraught after the game. He said he was happy with the progress his program has made from when he took the job to now, and he’s excited to get back at it next year with the hoping of expanding on this tournament appearance and win.
“It doesn’t happen in one day people, come on,” he said, throwing his hands in the air and staring intently at the reporter who dared to ask him to reflect on the job he has done at Indiana now that three full seasons have completed, chewing gum at an alarming rate. “Bunch of haters who don’t know anything about basketball. You’ve never been on a court. You’ve never put your blood, sweat and tears into a team, a season, before. You wouldn’t understand. Get out of my face.”
Baylor guard MaCio Teague was a big reason for the frown on the face of Archie Miller, leading the game with 28 points on 9-of-20 shooting from the field and a 5-of-10 clip from beyond the arc, good enough for Player of the Game recognition.
“There have been a lot of things said about me, my team and my coach in the press lately,” Teague said. “I want everyone to know that none of it is true. Even if it were true, it wouldn’t matter because they deserved it. But none of it is true, however it would be justifiable if said instances had, in fact, occurred, though they did not. To be clear.”
Hoosiers junior forward Joey “Big Junk” Brunk was seen leaving the PNC Arena dressed in all black with what appeared to be a full duffel bag of memorabilia and jerseys. He did not respond to my request for comment.
Baylor will play No. 4 seed Wisconsin in the South Regional Semifinal in Houston. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
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