The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Second Round Day 5 Schedule
11 Texas Tech vs 3 Seton Hall – 5 p.m. EST
5 Auburn vs 4 Wisconsin – 6:30 p.m. EST
9 Indiana vs 1 Baylor – 8 p.m. EST
15 North Dakota State vs 7 Providence – 9:30 p.m. EST
Second Round Day 5 Preview
We’re on the final day of the second round, which seems to have dragged on for much longer than originally foretold. The final four tickets to the Sweet 16 will be punched today, and there are plenty of worthy candidates vying to reach the regional stage of the competition.
First up will be No. 3 seed Seton Hall and No. 11 seed Texas Tech, two non-traditional programs looking to set themselves apart. For the Red Raiders, this is a chance at a third Sweet 16 in a row and a shot to make it the same for Elite Eights. The Pirates haven’t reached the regional semifinals since 2000, nor the Elite Eight since 1991, and are frothing at the mouth for a taste of success.
“I know how ravenous our fan base was about our huge rivalry win over Penn State in the first round,” said Texas Tech head coach Chris Beard. “To reach three-straight Sweet 16s, well, there would be mass celebrations that would certainly make the venereal disease situation at Texas Tech much worse. That’s exactly what we’re hoping to bring to the great people of Lubbock tonight!”
After the Penn State win, we caught up with a Texas Tech student, Benny “The Multiplier” Martinez, who said he had eaten mountain lion for weeks in preparation for that game. We asked him what he had been munching on the last couple of weeks.
“I’ve become connected with an anti-human trafficking human trafficker who fools, then kidnaps and smuggles Somali pirates to various parts of the world as property, and it’s totally legit,” Martinez explained. “So, while I doubt the pirates that Seton Hall is referring to in its nickname come from Somali, it’s really the most realistic route you could expect one to take given that pirates are an endangered species in 2020. Wreck ’em Tech!”
The second game of the day will feature No. 4 seed Wisconsin and No. 5 seed Auburn, showcasing a clash of styles. Wisconsin finished the season ranked 342nd in adjusted tempo, according to KenPom, while Auburn was 127th. KenPom also shows the difference in offensive and defensive balance, with the Badgers considerably favoring defense and the Tigers quite stronger on the offensive side of the ball.
“Garble, garble, garble,” said Wisconsin head coach Greg Gard, explaining in extensive detail why slow ball is the best version of basketball. “Garble, garble, garble.”
Auburn head coach Fred Flintstone, known in modern times as Bruce Pearl, wasn’t quite as forthcoming as Gard in his press conference. Still, he opened his heart up to us, as he is known to do.
“Listen, I just want everyone in this room to know how much I care for each and every one of my players,” he said, gripping the podium tightly, tearing slowly welling in his eyes as his lip quivered. “I care about them so much, and that’s what this is all about. That’s what this is all about. The togetherness, the family. I have so many feelings. I just care so, so much.”
After those two finish, No. 1 seed Baylor and No. 9 seed Indiana are slated to tip. Yesterday, we witnessed the first take down on a top seed in this tournament as No. 8 seed LSU upset Dayton, 78-73. Baylor head coach and former murderer Scott Drew said his team wouldn’t be the next to fall.
“There is no way that we will be upset in the second round like Dayton was,” he said, brushing the question off. “I have proven that I am willing to take lives over this. I’m a heartless, marauding killing machine who cannot be stopped, nor even slowed down. I am the anti-Christ, sent here to do the bidding of the Darkness that pleases him. The power of evil is too great to be contained.
“Plus, it’s Indiana, guys. Come on.”
Indiana head coach Archie Miller didn’t stick around at the presser for long.
“Will you get that camera out of my face?” he said, shoving the lens of a random camera forward, pushing the equipment into its operator and knocking him backwards. “And what’s with all these microphones? Jesus, we’re trying to win some basketball games here, not that you people would know anything about that, would you? Probably never picked up a ball in your miserable lives. Get out of my face.”
The last battle of the slate will pit No. 7 seed Providence and No. 15 seed North Dakota State against one another. This is a massive opportunity for both programs to get somewhere they’ve either never been or haven’t been in some time.
For Providence, it has been since 1999 that it played in the Sweet 16, one of only five times the program has reached the landmark. Head coach Ed Cooley had plenty to say after his team completed an all-time comeback to dump Rutgers in the first round of Reddit March Madness, but he played a much different tune ahead of the second round matchup with North Dakota State.
“Good for them pulling the upset they did to get to this point,” Cooley said of North Dakota State. “It’s not often a No. 15 seed gets this far. If they beat us, I’ll be rooting for them to take out the rest of this sad sack of morally bankrupt phonies who pretend they’re in it for the kids but really just love to line their pockets.
“No, I’m not cynical. I’m a realist.”
If North Dakota State wins, it will become the second-ever No. 15 seed to get to the Sweet 16, plus it would be the program’s first-ever trip that deep into the tournament. This second round appearance is already tied for the team’s previous best in 2014, and anything on top of this would be gravy.
“Like I promised after we beat Florida State, I went to the liquor store, bought all the liquor they had, and got drunk as fuck that night,” said North Dakota State head coach David Richman. “I vow that if we win again tonight, I will go to more liquor stores, I will buy all of their liquor, and I will get even more drunker than fuck tonight, boys!”
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
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