Tom Riddle Defeated, World Saved as Pirates Take First Title
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Seton Hall Saves Humanity with Magical Effort to Defeat Tom Riddle, BYU
One day after Seton Hall toppled BYU, 79-77, to win its first-ever national championship, the aftermath of the battle can be seen in better view.
Following the loss, BYU head coach Tom Riddle was disembodied. We learned that Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter had spent months acting as Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard and Seton Hall senior guard Asiah Avent. And, Seton Hall guard Myles Powell was freed from his mental bondage after discovering he does not have to hold himself up to the same ideal as the Son of God.
Now the world is left to pick up the pieces.
“I never considered that Tom Riddle and BYU could be dangerous to us,” said average college basketball fan John Jacobs. “I saw all the stuff from Deep Stroke, all the warnings, but I don’t know, I never thought anything could actually happen to me. So I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
After the reality of the situation was in full display for Jacobs and everyone else last night, the severity hit him and millions of others. Some still remain steadfast in their denial that any danger was ever present, though.
“There was never anything to worry about,” said average college basketball fan Jacob Johnson. “Nothing happened, and nothing would have happened. It’s all overblown by the media. It always is. This is America. That kind of stuff can’t happen here.”
The clash between the camps of Jacobs and Johnson have been fierce in the sports arena lately, with last night’s events pushing the debate into a fever pitch. Perhaps the largest fuel to the fire has been added by the NCAA, which refuses to admit BYU committed any wrongdoing.
“We thoroughly investigated the situation over the course of the night,” said NCAA president Satan. “We concluded that we can come to no conclusion and might have an answer to you by the end of 2023.”
I met with Deep Stroke to discuss it all. Hungover and distraught from the lack of action or outcry from the public and authorities, he could barely make eye contact.
“I mean, hooray that BYU and Voldemort lost, I guess,” he said, miserably. “But no one even really seems to care, so it’s going to happen again. Nothing has changed. Tom Riddle, or someone or something like Tom Riddle, will be back in a short amount of time, and then we will go through this all over again.
“You spend your life trying to make the world a better place, trying to sound the alarm of impending danger and doom that you know is coming. You try to do the right thing. You try to help people. And society spits in your face and laughs for your efforts like you’re somehow the crazy one.
“It’s a joke. It’s all a cruel joke.”
He turned and walked away from me down the alley, the darkness slowly swallowing his silhouette, the hopeless rage sticking to his oversize trench coat and newsboy cap.
The atmosphere around the Seton Hall program is quite the opposite, though. Fans took to the streets of South Orange, New Jersey, which is supposedly where the university is, in celebration of their team’s triumph. Albus Dumbledore/Kevin Willard has been treated like a hero, and the rest of the team, especially Asiah Avent/Harry Potter, have been, too.
Wearing his FIRE IT UP Seton Hall national champions shirt, which part of the proceeds for go to helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19, Dumbledore addressed the fired up crowd.
“You all have been so kind to me,” Dumbledore/Willard told thousands gathered in front of whatever Seton Hall fans would gather in front of, maybe a steeple or something. “I came here with one goal in mind: save the world. But after spending so much time with this program and at this university, that goal expanded. I didn’t just want to do it for the survival of humanity, but also because you fans deserved this after all the suffering you’ve had to endure over the decades.
“There’s no school I would have rather secretly used to stop mass genocide than Seton Hall University.”
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
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