Wisconsin Takes Out North Texas as Greg Gard Garbles

The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness First Round – 4 Wisconsin 71, 13 North Texas 67

North Texas jumped out to a double-digit lead in the first half, a known death sentence on the third day of the Reddit March Madness Round of 64. The Mean Green eventually collapsed, sticking to the script several has set before them, kneeling to Wisconsin, 71-67.

It wasn’t smooth sailing for much of the game for the No. 4 seeded Badgers, though, and head coach and lump of flesh Greg Gard told his team that all that matters is getting the W.

“Garble, garble, garble,” Gard garbled, emphasizing the importance of Wisconsin’s free-throw shooting in crunch time. “Garble, garble, garble.”

Badgers guard Brad Davison was awarded Player of the Game honors after scoring 18 points on 6-of-16 shooting from the field, a 4-of-12 mark from deep, two rebounds and an assist, which doesn’t really sound all that good, but I don’t call the shots here.

After the game, the junior was fighting through tears like an illegal screen when he learned no North Texas players left the game with an injury.

“I let down my teammates, my coaches, the entire state of Wisconsin,” Davison said, holding his face in his hands. “I was so focused on winning, I don’t know what came over me. I forgot who I am. I forgot what I’m all about.*”

Animated GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
This steal and score was a huge momentum play for Wisconsin in his comeback over North Texas. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

North Texas head coach Grant McCasland, who has been accused of being a set of 12-and-10-year-old boys with one standing on the other’s shoulders pretending to be their dad, was inconsolable in the post-game press conference after his team blew a 15-point lead. Not even some super sick Nerf guns with the scope attachments could make him smile.

“I don’t want to smile,” the captain of the Mean Green fighting machine told his SID. “I’m sad. Leave me alone.”

Asked later back at home if he would come out of his room and downstairs for dinner, McCasland still wasn’t in the mood.

“I don’t deserve to eat anymore,” he yelled out his door before slamming it shut. “I failed!”

Wisconsin will play No. 5 seed Auburn in the second round at a time and day that is unknown. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

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