Virginia Defeats East Tennessee State, Tony Bennett Bewildered

The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness First Round – 6 Virginia 78, 11 East Tennessee State 62

Virginia entered the night ranked 234th in the country in adjusted offensive efficiency, according to KenPom, and the Cavaliers hadn’t scored 60 points since Feb. 19.

They broke the 60-point mark with a little under seven minutes to play, and they didn’t look back, winning the game, 78-62.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said head coach and teen heartthrob Tony Bennett as he brushed back his silver hair with a suave twinkle in his eye. “There was movement. Shots were going down. I couldn’t understand it. I wanted to resign right then and there.”

Virginia has earned the reputation of killing basketball, and Bennett has taken that moniker seriously. That’s why he was so appalled with the display of attractive hoops Friday night.

“I hate basketball,” he said. “I’ve been spending decades trying to destroy it from the inside. For my own players to undermine me like this, I find it disgusting. You can expect to see a lot more bricks and turnovers in our second game, I can promise you that.”

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Virginia was too much for East Tennessee State to handle, and Tony Bennett didn’t appreciate it. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

Although his coach was upset with the effort, Virginia senior Mamadi Diakite was exuberant following the win.

“I don’t care that Verne kept calling me ‘Ja-ka-te,'” Diakite said, pointing at the “D” and “I” on the back of his jersey, wondering how anyone who understands the Latin Alphabet could pronounce his name that way. “I don’t get it, but I don’t care. We won, and that’s what matters.”

For East Tennessee State, the loss ends what was a positive campaign, culminating in SoCon regular season and tournament titles. For the team’s head coach and the world’s biggest penguin, Steve Forbes felt the year was success despite a first-round exit from Reddit March Madness.

“I would like to use this platform to raise awareness of the atrocities seals and killer whales have committed against penguins for centuries,” Forbes said. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the frozen fish aisle.”

Virginia will play No. 3 seed Michigan State in the second round, a rematch of several recent tournament meetings that have left the Cavaliers heartbroken.

“Of all the matchups you could have given us, this is the one?” exclaimed Virginia alum Beauregard Sims between sips of Zima. “Tom Izzo gives me nightmares.”

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

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