The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Second Round Day 2 Schedule
15 Eastern Washington vs 10 Marquette – 5 p.m. EST
7 Illinois vs 2 Creighton – 5 p.m. EST
6 Virginia vs 3 Michigan State – 6:30 p.m. EST
12 Akron vs 4 Oregon – 8 p.m. EST
9 Oklahoma vs 1 Gonzaga – 9:30 p.m. EST
Second Round Day 2 Preview
After a so-called “scratched disc” affected the schedule, we’re looking at 15 games over the next three days to complete the second round of Reddit March Madness.
There have been rumblings that the Dark Lord would have been involved with the disc’s disappearance, though nothing in concrete right now. As a result of the disc malfunction, Tom Riddle’s BYU was able to play and win in prime time with the world watching last night, an easy platform to spread its message of muggle hate.
Regardless, what’s done is done, and Illinois and Creighton are set to tip off a day later than previously expected. The change sent Creighton head coach Greg McDermott into another wave of hysteria as he tries to calm his nerves before the game.
“In, out, in, out, in, out,” he said, muffled by the paper bag he was using to help him catch his breath. “It’s only a game, it’s only a game.”
Eastern Washington and Marquette will start their showdown at the same time – 5 p.m. EST – and it could mean more firsts for Eastern Washington. The program won its first-ever tournament game in its all-time upset over No. 2 seed Florida State in the first round, and its inaugural Sweet 16 appearance would take his historic run to another level.
More importantly, though, it will settle an important Eagle-related debate.
“Ooh, look at us, we’re the ‘Golden’ Eagles,” said Eastern Washington head coach Shantay Legans, waving his hands around with a mocking facial expression. “Only gold they’re going to see is the yellow brick road they have to ride home on when we send their asses packing.”
Marquette head coach Mike Wazowski said Golden Eagles are better than regular Eagles.
“There’s a certain standard we adhere to here at Marquette,” he explained. “It’s the Golden Standard. I understand they don’t have the same standards at Eastern Washington and the other less-golden Eagles teams around the country, and that’s fine. They’re entitled to be inferior. But our gold-ness is central to our identity, and it’s why I’m going to keep my job after beating a hapless Arizona team, then a 15 seed to go to the Sweet 16.”
Following the conclusion of those games, Virginia and Michigan State will battle at 6:30 p.m. The two are familiar foes in the NCAA Tournament at this point, having met back-to-back in the 2014 and 2015 tournaments. Tom Izzo and the Spartans took both of those games from the No. 1 and No. 2 seeded Cavaliers, ending promising seasons for Virginia in the Sweet 16 and second round, respectively.
Virginia head coach and dog groomer Tony Bennett said his team isn’t thinking about what happened before 2019.
“We really don’t focus on the past,” he said. “There’s nothing but pain in the past. Except in 2019. There was less pain then. I allow the team to think about that. But everything else is varying amounts of pain, so we do our best to shove that pain really deep down inside and never confront.”
Michigan State head coach and fully-evolved leprechaun Tom Izzo said he’s not worried about Bennett getting the best of him in his third try.
“You think I’m worried about Tony Bennett?” Tom Izzo asked with a laugh, shaking his head. “No, not even close. Krzyzewski? Definitely. Bennett? No chance.”
When pressed on why a coach with a championship, and the most recent one at that, doesn’t concern him, Tom Izzo explained.
“So did Kevin Ollie,” Tom Izzo said. “I got four letters for you: U-M-B-C. Are we done here?”
Oregon and Akron will meet in the first half of the late games, with the Ducks hoping to reach their fourth Sweet 16 in five years. The pressure will be on Oregon to handle the double-digit seeded Zips, and the team’s head coach, Dana Altman, is freaking out about it.
“There’s just so much to do and such little time,” he said, instinctively tugging at his pants, yanking them up to his belly button for an odd sense of comfort, then turning from the podium to give himself a pep talk that was still picked up on the mic. “It’s okay, Dana, it always works out in the end. You have Payton. He’s got you. This is why you spend so much money on recruiting.”
While Altman continues the existential crisis he insists he has a handle on, Akron head coach and Conehead descendant John Groce is calm.
“The pressure is off of us,” he said, leaning back in his chair, knocking his sunglasses slightly down his nose and putting his arms around the empty ones next to him, the leather on his jacket squeaking in a super nonchalant, super cool way that made all the dames in the press conference swoon. “I’m coaching in the MAC now. Don’t worry about it.”
Gonzaga and Oklahoma will wrap up the day as the Zags and Sooners go to war over a Sweet 16 invitation. Oklahoma head coach Lon Kruger has been a Division I head coach since the Reagan administration, and he’s been in this position many times before.
“I’ve been in coaching since 1896,” he said, decrepitly. “I remember the invention of the cotton gin. Boy, did that change America.”
Before he rambled on aimlessly about how life used to be “before all these dang contraptions,” Kruger was ushered away, and Gonzaga head coach Mark Few took the podium.
Few looked around the room, starry eyed at all the big lights.
“It’s just such an honor to be here,” he said, amazed. “To think that Gonzaga, that little nothing Catholic school in Podunk, Washington, could be here in the second round of Reddit March Madness. Really, it’s nothing short of incredible.”
The moment began to overtake Few, and tears starting streaming down his cheeks. Everyone in the media felt the impact of his elation, and soon we were also crying tears of joy. The Bulldogs, who only have two players on their roster who were ranked in the top-50 of the Class of 2019, have been an inspiring story to all so far this March.
“After seeing Gonzaga pull off such incredible feats despite having the odds so strongly stacked against them, I decided to open K9 Chow Down, the first-ever all-you-can-eat dog buffet,” said Spokane entrepreneur Douglass “Doug” Douglass, who sank every last dollar of his savings into the business. “No, what? The dogs aren’t being served, they’re the customers. There’s no dog meat, it’s a buffet for dogs to eat at. Do you really think people won’t understand that?
“Oh shit …”
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
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