The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 8 LSU 88, 9 Arizona State 70
When LSU needed someone to step up, Skylar Mays was the man.
Mays scored a game-high 35 points in his team’s 88-70 victory over Arizona State in the first round of Reddit March Madness, plus nabbed eight rebounds and dished three assists. After the game, he was promptly compensated for his efforts.
“They made a strong-ass offer,” Skylar Mays said as his pockets bulged with large wads of money.
LSU head coach and inventor of snake oil Will Wade said that the scheming his staff did before the game was instrumental to its success.
“We do a lot of preparations before games, and before the season even, to be prepared for our, shall we call them, opponents,” Wade slithered through his fingers as he tapped their tips against each other, menacingly. “We had been saving up for the tournament for a while.”
This was the fourth tournament appearance for Arizona State head coach and 1940s cartoon character come-to-life Bobby Hurley as a Division I coach and the fourth time he has failed to win a game in the Big Dance, three of which have been with the Sun Devils the last three seasons.
After Skylar Mays ruined his latest attempt, Hurley was very animated in his presser but said nothing, using only body language and facial expressions to communicate.
“Fuck,” his non-verbal communication seemed to indicate.
Hurley reached for the bottle of Remy Martin on the podium, which is always there at Arizona State press conferences for promotional reasons. He took a large swig, and this time it didn’t look contractually obligated.
The other well-known stipulation of the business relationship is the sponsorship of one of the team’s guards, Vinnie the Velociraptor, known as Remy Martin in official capacity.
While Martin still has another year of eligibility left, it is possible that he will forgo it to enter the NBA Draft. He wasn’t sure what his decision would be after the game, but he did say that he misses his dinosaur family, whom he has not seen or spoken to in years.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen my parents and siblings,” Martin said. “I don’t even know if they’re still doing that exhibit at the museum. But this is the lot that life has given me, and I’m going to do the best I can with it.”
LSU will play the winner of No. 1 seed Dayton and No. 16 seed Winthrop (Sunday at 8:45 p.m. EST) in the second round. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.