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Iowa slaughtered Texas, 85-72, in the first round of Reddit March Madness, sending the Hawkeyes to the second round of the tournament.

Shaka Smart Self-Declares Invincibility as Iowa Clobbers Texas

The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness First Round – 6 Iowa 85, 11 Texas 72

To be honest with you, I barely watched this game. It was a terrible blowout, and Stephen F. Austin versus BYU was way more competitive.

But for whatever reason, some people are going to want to read about this painful attempt at a basketball competition, so here we goooooooo.

Patrick McCaffery scored 20 points, including three triples, plus hauled in 7 rebounds to lead the Hawkeyes in the romp. His performance earned him player of the game honors as voted on by highly-qualified robots. His teammate, Jordan Bohannon, had himself quite a night, too, shooting lights out from deep and chipping in 18 points of his own.

“I’ve been meditating a lot lately, doing some soul searching, you know. I became one with Hanuman, the Hindu God of Strength, Celibacy, Knowledge and Bhakti, according to Wikipedia, and he showed me the guiding light in how to conduct myself, on and off the court. I feel more enlightened, and better prepared for the challenges I’ll face in life,” Bohannon said. “I guess today my shot was just falling and my teammates found me.”

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Jordan Bohannon drives one of many daggers through Longhorn hearts. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

As one of the final four teams to be granted an at-large bid, Texas needed a win in Dayton against Xavier first before earning the right to be sacrificed to Iowa. The Longhorns topped the Musketeers, 88-77, and that game took a lot out of them.

“I think our guys were too tired, and that didn’t allow us to defend at the level we needed against an offensive attack like Iowa’s,” Texas head coach and Austin used car salesman Shaka Smart explained. “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Major questions will remain about Smart’s future with the program, although reports from Austin suggest Oklahoma has successively pulled off a misinformation campaign that has fooled the city’s residents into believing basketball does not exist. Rumors now suggest Shaka Smart might be reaching the point of immortality.

“At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m going to live forever,” Smart said. “There doesn’t really seem to be any negative consequences for my failures. It’s pretty dope.”

Iowa will face the winner of No. 3 seed Kentucky and No. 14 seed Bradley (Friday at 8 p.m. EST). Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

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/r/CollegeBasketball is simulating the 2020 NCAA Tournament on YouTube to replace the real one we lost, and we will cover it all the way through.

NBN to Cover /r/CollegeBasketball Virtual Tournament

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BYU barely got by Stephen F. Austin, 78-75, holding off the upset bid from the Lumberjacks to advance to the second round of Reddit March Madness.

BYU Survives Stephen F. Austin in Late Scramble