Seton Hall to Build Myles Powell Cathedral as Thanks for Title Game Run
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Seton Hall Reddit March Madness Results
First Round – Defeated No. 14 seed Belmont, 94-67
Second Round – Defeated No. 11 seed Texas Tech, 96-92
Elite Eight – Defeated No. 1 seed Baylor, 102-92
Final Four – Defeated No. 1 seed Gonzaga, 87-83
Hall Hails Powell as National Championship Game Inches Closer
The 2020 National Championship Game between BYU and Seton Hall, two programs aching to win their first title, is set to tip off tonight at 8:15 p.m. EST in Atlanta.
It is the second time the Pirates have been to this point, the first and last occasion coming in 1989 when Seton Hall lost to Michigan in dramatic fashion.
Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard showed up to media availability wearing a purple Adidas jumpsuit with a white headband, Reebok Pumps and a massive gold chain, holding a boombox on his shoulder with one arm, blasting Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”
“I wish I had hair, you guys,” Willard opened his statement. “I would so have a Jheri curl. It would be major.”
I winced, disagreeing with his assessment, but didn’t say anything. Clearly, his self-image was a bit fragile.
But he was excited, and can you blame him? He has Seton Hall partying like its 1989, and it’s the closest Willard has come to a national championship, even in his dreams.
“The wildest dream I ever had was making the Final Four, which I thought seemed outlandish enough,” he explained. “So you can imagine my surprise right now.”
This is exactly where Seton Hall senior guard Myles Powell expected to be, though. Powell has asserted himself as one of the best scorers in the country the last couple of years, and he has been on his game in a huge way at times this tournament. In the Final Four against Gonzaga, Powell put up 26 points and five assists to be named Player of the Game, another in the long list of accolades the Pirate has accumulated.
“I’ve been putting in work for my whole life, and finally, we’re at this point,” Powell said, smiling and looking around the conference room. “I’m here, speaking in front of strangers so that millions of strangers can learn about how I’m feeling before the biggest night of my life. This is exactly how I envisioned it.”
Powell has become quite an important figure at Seton Hall. The Catholic university has traditionally valued the work of Jesus of Nazareth as the ideal, but with what Myles of Trenton has been doing, things are changing.
A new cathedral was announced for campus after Powell helped get Seton Hall to the national championship with the Final Four triumph, and the school has said the stain-glass art will depict the birth and life of Myles of Trenton.
“We’ll start with conception,” said Seton Hall president Eduardo Quinceañera, beaming with pride. “Then move on to birth, attending public schools in Trenton, the work on his basketball game, high school, coming to Seton Hall and then now, leading us to this point. And if we win, there will be a special panel dedicated just to his work in bringing us this title. And we’re going to leave out that thing from his past that he told us to because he didn’t want it getting out, so no concerns there.”
When Powell learned of the project, he couldn’t believe it. He never saw himself on the same level as Jesus Christ, and he couldn’t believe that Seton Hall would equate him with the Son of God.
“I’m not the same as Jesus,” Powell scoffed, walking on a pool of Gatorade before stepping off and turning the liquid into really shitty rum, his teammates to running to taste the bitter nectar of their deity’s latest miracle. “I’m better.”
He was appreciative, though, that Seton Hall chose to leave out that thing he told them not to mention.
“That was real cool of Eduardo,” Powell said. “My personal life is my personal life. If the public learned about that, it would be the end of me.”
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
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