Payton Pritchard Goes 25 and 10 as Oregon Hammers Akron
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Second Round – 4 Oregon 95, 12 Akron 74
When a ticket to the Sweet 16 is on the line, you can place your bet on Oregon.
That is now four-straight Sweet 16s for the Ducks when they qualify for the tournament, dating back to 2016. Last year, they did it as a No. 12 seed. This year, they beat a No. 12 seed to reach the regional semifinals, unleashing on Akron, 95-74.
“It feels amazing,” said Dana Altman, momentarily letting the look of utter terror leave his expression. “Like I said before the game, I know to trust in the fact that Payton Pritchard is an alien being placed on earth by a foreign entity with the purpose of winning me basketball games. This is what I have to keep telling myself to calm the thoughts of where dark matter comes from.
“Sometimes I think about how we’re doing virtually nothing about climate change, and this planet won’t have any qualms with spitting us out like the parasites we are,” he said, sinking deeper into the rabbit hole, a wild look beginning to overtake his eyes. “I think people underestimate how little control we have over this planet and the nature world. We’re so minuscule and meaningless. We have no power at all. Hell, look at what’s happening right now. This is crazy. This is all so crazy!
“Payton Pritchard is an alien being placed on earth by a foreign entity with the purpose of winning me basketball games.,” he snapped himself back into his happy place, holding closely onto a Payton Pritchard jersey he pulled out from under the podium. “Payton Pritchard is an alien being placed on earth by a foreign entity with the purpose of winning me basketball games.”
Payton Pritchard yet again proved the confidence his coach has in him, coasting to another double-double with 25 points and 10 assists. He shot 8-of-13 from the field and was 5-of-7 from deep.
“I ate a lot of bugs before, which provides me with my species’ equivalent to protein, so I was extra strong for today’s game,” he explained. “My metabolism processes the bugs much faster than humans process their food, and it gives me strength immediately that same day. I was sent to this planet to win basketball games for Dana Altman. I am not collecting valuable information so that my species can destroy the human race.”
He wasn’t even the most productive Duck, though. Freshman forward Chandler Lawson, who averaged 4.5 points per game during the regular season, exploded with 27 points and 9-of-14 shooting, plus a 6-of-8 clip from beyond the arc. It was by far the best outing of the forward’s young career.
“There once was a man from old Memphis,” Lawson sang, “who came out to Oregon to ball. In the Reddit second round, he made Akron frown, and crashed the Big Dance party!”
Akron head coach John Groce had played a cool act in the weeks leading up to this game, and he tried to keep it going in the press conference after his team lost what would have been Akron’s first-ever trip to the Sweet 16.
“It’s all good, we’re cool over here,” he said, shrugging and avoiding eye contact with anyone in the media.
The room fell silent as we waited for him to break the awkward pause. The squeak of his leather jacket while he fidgeted nervously in place was the only audible noise.
Groce did not speak again. His boss wouldn’t let him leave. He was dismissed 12 minutes and 51 seconds later when the press conference was scheduled to end, as was the very relentless and uncomfortable media.
Oregon will play the winner of No. 1 seed Gonzaga and No. 9 seed Oklahoma (Friday at 9:30 p.m. EST) in the Sweet 16. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.