Overweight Man Explains Why Women’s Basketball Players Don’t Need Big Lifty Things

John Smith, a bland replica of the same American over and over, was disgusted when he saw the poor facilities, food, gifts and more provided to the women’s basketball players at the Women’s NCAA Tournament.

On Thursday, many players at the bubble in San Antonio took to social media with photos and videos of what the NCAA had set up for them, including a weight closet of some dumbbells and yoga mats, a far cry from the amenities provided to the male players gathering for their tournament in Indiana.

Smith, who has never watched women’s basketball, was appalled by what he saw.

“I saw they got a whole, complete set of dumbbells, plus yoga mats,” said Smith, whose BMI is in the 200s. “What do they need big lifty things for? I thought women loved yoga!”

This isn’t the first time Smith has had a gripe with the NCAA this week. Many players on the men’s side launched the #NotNCAAProperty campaign ahead of the tournament’s tip off, which offended Smith, who believes unpaid workers who generate billions for nameless people in suits are lazy and entitled.

“The women don’t generate the same money the men do, so they shouldn’t expect equal treatment,” he explained. “Unless we’re talking compensation, in which case they deserve the exact same treatment.”

When asked about his thoughts on how the inequalities between the men’s and women’s amenities matched up with Title IX requirements, the parking lot connoisseur was confused.

“Title IX?” he asked accusingly. “Why are you asking me about the Constitution? Enough of your fancy gotcha questions.”

Smith turned and climbed into his lifted navy-colored Ford truck, then rolled down the window and became aggressive for no apparent reason other than his deep, deep sense of loneliness and inability to cope with the nuances and realities of life.

The parking lot connoisseur, who is very fulfilled in his relationships, said he has had opinions about women’s basketball for as long as he can remember. And he’s sick of it being shoved in his face on ESPN2 twice a year.

“All people wanna do nowadays is complain,” he complained, pulling out his phone to complain about the complaining on Twitter. “That’s what’s wrong with this country.”

A member of the community.

Following the backlash, the NCAA released a statement explaining the situation.

“Oh shit, there’s a women’s tournament?” the organization published in a release. “How many teams are in it?”

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