The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 1 Dayton 93, 16 Winthrop 73
Dayton boasts what is most likely the best team in its school history, and it had a legitimate shot at a Final Four and national championship taken away from it by the Coronavirus.
Fortunately for Flyers fans, Reddit has stepped in with Reddit March Madness, and it has given them something to serve as potential consolation for losing the real thing.
“I guess I’ll take it,” said Dayton fan Kurt Shawinagin. “Xavier still got to lose on our home floor, right? Yeah, fine, this is okay. Good enough.”
Shawinagin’s Flyers started that run off with a relatively easy win against No. 16 seed Winthrop, 93-73. It’s a game Dayton was supposed to win, but there’s no small victories for the A-10 powerhouse.
“Every win counts the same,” said Dayton head coach Anthony Grant, who has been reformed since spending six years at the Alabama Penitentiary in Tuscaloosa. “To win a championship, you have to win six games. And you can’t get to the sixth one without winning the first one. So, really, if you just count them up and do the math, it makes sense.”
The game wasn’t quite as fun for Winthrop head coach Pat Kelsey, who looks like he was born in a defensive stance. Losing in such lopsided fashion, even when expected, is still something to lick your wounds over.
“We knew we were the underdogs coming into this thing,” Kelsey said. “It would have been nice to keep it closer for longer, but we didn’t have enough juice in the tank. We ran out of steroids during the conference tournament, and we didn’t realize we were out until we got here and realized there wasn’t any left.”
The win means the collegiate career of Obi Toppin will last for at least one more game as NBA scouts are chopping at the bit to draft him. It’s getting difficult for Toppin to stay focused on Dayton, but he’s been making do, he said.
“I’ve been getting very unsettling phone calls from numbers I don’t know from Cleveland,” Obi Toppin explained. “It’s a distorted male voice that keeps telling me he loves me over and over again, and that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes he shushes me. Plus, I received flowers from a ‘secret admirer,’ and they were all dead. I’m starting to get scared.”
Dayton will face No. 8 seed LSU in the second round. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.