The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Final Four – 3 Seton Hall 87, 1 Gonzaga 83
Big time players make big time plays in big time moments. Myles Powell is this expression personified.
With about one minute to play in a tie game, 80-80, with Gonzaga in the Final Four, Seton Hall’s superstar delivered a separating blow from beyond the arc, giving the Pirates a three-point lead that they wouldn’t give up.
Seton Hall then needed Quincy McKnight to knock down free throws with the weight of the game on his shoulders, and he did just that, drilled all four to secure the team’s 87-83 victory and a trip to its second-ever championship game.
“All tournament long, they been doubting us,” McKnight said, overjoyed. “And all season long, too. And for my whole career, they been doubting me. All the doubting, it’s been all over the place. But we don’t care about the doubt, man, that’s not on our minds. We all clout, no doubt, baby. ESKETIT!”
Myles Powell finished as Player of the Game, posting 26 points on 11-of-24 shooting from the field and a 4-of-10 clip from deep, as well as five assists and three rebounds. He has been the face of this program for a couple years now, and with this performance and an opportunity to bring the first-ever national championship to wherever Seton Hall is, Myles Powell could cement himself deity status Monday.
“I know that people around campus have been talking about me being omnipresent and all that,” Myles Powell said, chuckling. “I don’t let it get to my head. I know I’m not a superhuman being operating on a superior plane than the rest of you, deserving of your unwavering support and adulation from spiritual and moral standpoints. I might be a member of a hyper-evolved species bred to dribble and shoot basketballs, but I’m not a God. I’m better.”
Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard has now taken Seton Hall the furthest it has ever been, matching where P.J. Carlesimo had the Pirates in 1989. Carlesimo lost to Michigan in that national championship game, though. Willard has a chance to make good on Seton Hall’s second rodeo and earn himself immortality.
“I’m probably never going to be back here again,” Willard said. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good coach. Seton Hall is fortunate to have me, and I’ll probably go to more Sweet 16s, lots more tournaments, all that. But win a national championship? Are you shitting me? Only in a season that is cancelled right before March Madness because of a pandemic, then the tournament is played out in a 13-year-old video game could I possibly pull that off, and those are the exact circumstances we find ourselves in. That’s why I have to capitalize. Now.”
While Seton Hall is partying like it’s 1989, Gonzaga is drinking alone in its bathroom, way too drunk to stand up, and vomiting into the toilet as the clock strikes midnight.
It’s Final Four and out for the 2020 Cinderella, the last No. 1 seed standing falling one game short of the further the program previously reached in 2017. The end of the dream and an empty trip to Atlanta are difficult realities to face, Gonzaga head coach and Fairy Godmother Mark Few said he no longer believes.
“I believed. I truly, honestly believed,” Few said, tears streaming down his cheeks. “And what did that get me? Not a national championship, that’s for damn sure. I thought there was something to this. I thought that if you believed hard enough and wishes with all the passion inside you, that it would manifest into reality. Evidently, I was wrong.”
He continued, dropping a bombshell to close his opening statement, then promptly leaving the room.
“I am resigning from my position as Fairy Godmother effective immediately,” Few said, the magic exiting his spirit as he announced the end of his happiness in a corporate monotone. “I know longer possess the belief necessary to uphold the institutions that I served. It has been a pleasure acting as your Fairy Godmother, but I regrettably must say goodbye. Thank you for your time. There will be no questions.”
Gonzaga Athletics Communications Director Jeramous Sustainous was obviously shocked by the unfolding events, his jaw dropping to the floor as Few delivered his farewell as a fairy. Out of desperation, he took the podium.
“Hey, hi everyone,” he stammered, nervously. “Um, so, this wasn’t supposed to happen. Sorry. I guess this is over now? Okay, bye, everyone. Bye.”
He hurried off the stage, ending Gonzaga’s media availability.
Unsatisfied, I sought out at least one player for comment. Finally, I found freshman forward Drew Timme, who had been overcome with emotion after his team pulled off the start-from-ahead victory over No. 16 seed Siena in the first round of Reddit March Madness. The loss dampened his excitement, but he was still appreciative of the ride and certainly thrilled to be able to say he played in the Final Four.
“This is something I’ll tell my grandkids about,” he said, before his face dropped as he realized he couldn’t predict the future. “Unless I end up alone.”
Seton Hall will face No. 5 seed BYU in the national championship Monday at 8:15 p.m. EST in Atlanta. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.
