The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 3 Duke 78, 14 Hofstra 75
As the final second ticked off the clock in Duke’s 78-75 first round win over Hofstra in Reddit March Madness, a light from above shone through down from the heavens and into the arena, spotlighting his holiness, Mike Krzyzewski.
Krzyzewski’s body levitated slightly as he went through the handshake line, making sure to give every one of the opposing coaches and players a firm pat on the chest in a show of admiration.
“The chest pat is everything,” his holiness explained later when us mortal media members were fortunate enough to be graced with his words of wisdom. “Without it, you have nothing.”
The true arbiter of good and evil, Mike Krzyzewski has led his team to the Round of 32 for six-straight seasons and is hoping to return to the Elite Eight for the third year in a row. Through his divinity and altruistic sense of selflessness, it is possible that he can charm the officials enough to give his team the benefit of the doubt on flop/charge calls.
“To love me is to be one with basketball,” Krzyzewski cooed. “I am the patron saint of ball, the holiest in hoops, the deity of the hardwood. Join me.”
Everyone in the media was memorized. Mike Krzyzewski pulled out his pocket watch, because he’s old enough to have one, and swung it back and forth, entrancing all of us into docility. We were much too engulfed with him to remember about Hofstra, who was supposedly at the game, although if they were, certainly none of us noticed.
“Hey, can someone please open this?” Hofstra head coach Joe Mihalich shouted, banging on the door. “Guys, he doesn’t care about you! He’s using you! You’re merely pawns, can’t you see?”
No one opened the door. Mihalich was never heard from again.
Duke will play No. 6 seed West Virginia in the second round of this artificial athletic event. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.