Since the tournament ended with Baylor’s demolition of Gonzaga, the world has been waiting on bated breath for the true conclusion to the season: the Raymond Tortuga Men’s College Basketball Awards 2020-21.
Unlike normal men’s college basketball awards, these ones have no reason to be conventional. Raymond Tortuga is not a conventional man. He is an accomplished, highly-trained reporter man who boasts some of the most entertaining and extraordinary life experiences ever recorded in human history – who do you think you are?
These awards will be cutting edge. They will be mountain moving. They will be excruciatingly personal. Take a moment to prepare your tiny monkey brain for the information it will soon consume, for Raymond Tortuga is about to evolve you into a full-grown dude.
Raymond Tortuga’s Men’s College Basketball Awards 2020-21
Best Random Sick Dunk from Nothing by a White Dude – Jack Forrest
Who is Jack Forrest? I don’t know. No one knows. St. Joe’s sucks. But on Dec. 21, 2020, he put SEC All-Defensive Team player Yves Pons on a poster.
Midway through the first half and down 29-12 to the home Vols, Forrest received the ball on the wing, immediately beat his man inside and made a rotating Pons wish he never left the womb as he fell victim to the vicious two-handed slam.
Forrest proceeded to yell and flex in Pons’s face, resulting in a technical for the unlikely hero. Those were two of the sophomore’s nine points on the night. St. Joe’s would go on to narrowly fall to Tennessee that night, 102-66, keeping the Hawks winless, and St. Joseph’s would finish the season 5-15 and 13th in the A-10, all reasons why this moment is a shoe-in for best random sick dunk from nothing by a white dude in my men’s college basketball awards.
Most Expensive Mistake – Indiana Hoosiers
When Indiana chose Archie Miller in 2017, it made the best hire it could have made, an excellent sign of how well the last few decades have gone in Bloomington.
But just four years after bringing the savior on board, one generous donor preferred handing over $10 million to a basketball coach than feed the needy. And to think some people say America has gone soft.
It’s a shame as we were all sure those Final Fours were just about to start piling up, but instead it’s Mike Woodson’s turn to chase the dragon at one of college basketball’s angriest program of yesteryear.
Best Dressed – Sammy the Slug
Sammy the Slug came with the fits yet again. We don’t know how he does it, but somehow, this yellow mass of mayhem can rock a blue t-shirt like no Gastropoda before it.
You thought slugs couldn’t be on the cutting edge of fashion because they lack a shell like their snail counterparts? Well then get your classist mindset out of my face, you bigot.
Most Prolific Murderer – Scott Drew
One of the biggest controversies of 2020 Reddit March Madness was Scott Drew’s brutal killing of Boston U men’s basketball and his incredible escape from consequences for his gruesome actions. It was warned that if he wasn’t held accountable, he would continue to slaughter innocents without regard. Those who knew what he was capable of had their worst fears surpassed.
Drew committed massacre after massacre, wiping out entire conferences in his wake. The most infamous of his coldhearted killings was the execution of Willie the Wildcat, a mild-manner feline who, sure, he wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t deserve to be done like that. No one does.
Day after day, week after week, month after month, Drew and his associated rampaged through college basketball, pillaging and plundering with no regard for human life. The nation watched as his Bears, under his instruction, unrelentingly mauled Gonzaga in what has come to be known as the April 5 Annihilation, and Drew didn’t care. He ordered his crew to commit heinous criminal acts on the biggest stage. There is blood on the NCAA’s hands.