Marquette Discards Eastern Washington, Mike Wazowski Astounded
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Second Round – 10 Marquette 92, 15 Eastern Washington 70
The first double-digit seed is into the Sweet 16, and it’s … Marquette?
Yes, Marquette. The same Marquette that lost its last three games of the regular season, including back-to-back defeats to DePaul and St. John’s, and losers in six of its final seven contests. The same Marquette that finished 8-10 in the Big East. The same Marquette that is coached by Mike Wazowski.
Wazowski was eternally grateful after the 92-70 win over Eastern Washington in the second round of Reddit March Madness, which sent the Golden Eagles to their first Sweet 16 since 2013.
“Jesus, Joseph, Mary, Paul, Peter, all of them,” Wazowski said in disbelief. “Moses, Avraham, Yakov, Mohammad, Buddha, Confucius. Thanks to all of them. Whomever is responsible for this, thank you.”
The coach was humbled by the experience, having professed his confusion issues in previous sessions with the media, but refused to take the high road following the vicious trash talk from Eastern Washington head coach Shantay Legans in the weeks leading up to this game.
“You certainly showed what regular Eagles are about,” Wazowski said, flapping his arms like wings and swaying from side to side, his tongue hanging out from his mouth in a show of intensity and adrenaline. “We flock together. We flock strong. We flock Golden.”
Marquette point guard Markus Howard had another great night, earning Player of the Game honors for his 24 points on 8-of-19 shooting. He has been a prolific scorer for years, and Markus Howard showed up in a big way when Marquette needed him.
After demanding to be put on multiple scholarships and earn the Marquette coach’s salary following his 37-point performance in the first round against Arizona, Howard upped his commands.
“Not only do I want more scholarships and Wazowski’s bread, but I want a year’s worth of dinosaur chicken nuggets, the complete collection of Magic Tree House books, some sick water gun super soaker blasters, enough pizza for a pizza party with my friends,” he said, counting his requests on his fingers. “Oh, and I want to set my own bedtime on the weekends. And no more brussel sprouts.”
Legans left with his tail between his legs.
“Get away from me, I don’t want to talk to you,” he told me with his arms crossed, sitting down at the podium with his body facing to the side of the stage. “You’re gonna be mean and make fun of me.”
After I assured him that I would do no such thing, he relented, opening his body language and allowing me to ask him something. That’s when I attacked, using his trust and vulnerability against him. I embarrassed him in front of everyone in that room and everyone watching at home. The poor bastard could do nothing as I dissected him like a science class experiment, laying waste to the same man whom projected such great confidence just hours ago.
Legans began sobbing instantly, but that didn’t stop me. In fact, it only made me more ruthless. I brought up things he told me in confidence, things someone should tell repeat publicly after being told privately. But I did it anyway, and in doing so, I relieved myself of some of the guilt left from both of our closets.
Marquette will play the winner of No. 3 seed Michigan State and No. 6 seed Virginia (Friday at 6:30 p.m. EST). Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.