Lon Kruger Reads the Funnies After Gonzaga Tackles Oklahoma

The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round – 1 Gonzaga 81, 9 Oklahoma 72

For the sixth season in a row, the Rag Tag Zags will be in the Sweet 16.

The Cinderella of the last decade is Gonzaga, defying all odds by advancing in March, and now April, year after year. This time, it was Oklahoma who was the second round victim, 81-72.

Gonzaga head coach and eternal flame Mark Few has been incredibly humble during this ride, drawing from his experience of tournament runs to remember his place.

“I know we’re just little Gonzaga, and the big boys are thinking they can just swallow us up,” he said. “It’s not like that anymore, though. I think with this win, we can finally say that Gonzaga basketball has officially arrived.”

Few opened his arms, unveiling doves from within the waist of his monk cowl. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen in person, and the inspiration I felt in that moment will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Animated GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
A tremendous athletic display from Corey Kispert gave the Tag Rag Zags some self belief. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

Five different Zags scored in double figures – Drew Timme, Corey Kispert, Killian Tillie, Filip Petrusev and Joel Ayayi – with Timme leading the way on 19 points. The freshman, who was also named Player of the Game, was pumped when his team pulled a start-from-ahead victory over No. 16 seed Siena in the first round, and he couldn’t be contained after Gonzaga punched its Sweet 16 ticket.

“There are some many thoughts going on in my head right now,” Timme said, smiling and looking around in amazement. “I never thought this was possible. I don’t think anyone did. You don’t come to Gonzaga thinking you’re ever going to see something like this.”

Oklahoma head coach and frequent AARP customer service caller Lon Kruger said he remembers when Buddy Hield was attacking the rim and scoring from all over the floor for the Sooners.

“I’ve been in basketball a long time, long enough to remember the great Buddy Hield,” Lon Kruger reminisced. “Oh, what great days those were. You could just give him the ball, and he would do something magical with it. Now all these kids want to do these days is sit around on their iTabs and their GameDudes, living in some kind of fantasy. Well, I prefer the real world, where we’re really watching simulations of a 13-year-old college basketball video game instead of March Madness this year because of A GOD DAMN VIRUS!”

After Lon Kruger calmed down and stopped shaking as much, he resumed the press conference.

“Sorry, sorry. Sometimes I get a little carried away in my old age,” said the coach, who has been in the business since 1754, pulling a newspaper out from his back pocket. “Reading the funnies has always helped cheer me up.”

Lon Kruger proceeded to read aloud to the media portions of comics from The Spokesman-Review. There were very few laughs through the presentation’s duration.

The loss marks the end of Kristian Doolittle’s college career, the only senior on the Oklahoma roster. He said that what he will miss most about playing for the Sooners is missing mid-range jump shots.

“It has been amazing to miss so many mid-range jump shots during my four years in Norman,” he said, teary eyed after the game. “I’m sure my teammates will toss up plenty of bricks in my memory next season.”

Gonzaga will square off with No. 4 seed Oregon in the Sweet 16. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

reddit march madness shirts

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.

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