Kevin Willard Has Emergency While Seton Hall Ends North Dakota State
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Sweet 16 – 3 Seton Hall 98, 15 North Dakota State 82
It was a wild, wacky, alcohol-fueled journey, but the run for No. 15 seed North Dakota State has come to an abrupt end in the Sweet 16.
Seton Hall pulled away from the Bison midway through the second half, separating itself from its gritty opponent, 98-82.
As promised, I implanted a chip into the brain of Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard before the game, giving me total insight into his thoughts and brain waves, which includes his thoughts.
This provided me with unprecedented knowledge into how the coach operated during the game. For privacy reasons, I don’t find it ethical to publish someone’s private thoughts, and I take my responsibility as a journalist and the Voice of the People* very seriously. But, I am prepared to report that for approximately the final five minutes of the second half, Kevin Willard had to poop really bad.
“Oh no,” Willard thought at the 5:12 mark. “How much time is left in this game?”
He could be seen looking up at the scoreboard moments later and wincing.
“That could mean a long time, and then with the celebration after we win …” he thought. “Maybe if I walk back and forth down the sidelines really fast and clench, it’ll pass for a while.”
He did just that beginning with 4:53 on the clock.
“This isn’t working,” he thought with 3:17 remaining. “Shit.”
Through further thought records, I can confirm that Willard has still not pooped at the time of this article’s publishing.
“WHERE ARE THE BATHROOMS IN THIS PLACE FUCK FUCK FUCK,” Willard is thinking, right now.
When Kevin Willard failed to show up to the Seton Hall press conference, junior forward Sandro Mamukelashvili spoke in his stead.
Mamukelsashvili was named Player of the Game after scoring 24 points on an efficient 7-of-9 shooting and a 10-of-12 mark from the free-throw line, plus 12 rebounds to round out the double-double. He said his team is feeding off of its own momentum right now.
“We’re basically cannibals,” he explained, “eating these others teams energies and transferring them into ourselves to elevate our play.”
I asked him what the hell that meant.
“It’s metaphorical,” he said. “We’re not literally draining them of their energies, but we are, in a more abstract sense of way, pulling their energies out from them, then converting that into momentum, which is propelling us through this tournament.”
I chose not to respond.
Meanwhile, the North Dakota State press conference had an oddly uplifting vibe. After spending the last several weeks extremely inebriated, North Dakota State head coach David Richman told the media after the game that the loss shook some sense into him.
“The party’s over, boys,” Richman announced. “After what has been an insane three weeks, and really quite an insane 11 years*, I am done with the liquor. It has done nothing but betray me and cloud my mind. So, I’m proud to say that I am 15 minutes sober, and I am officially seeking a sponsor.”
He walked around the room handing out fliers to his “Death to All Liquor” cookout at a local park, with him smiling and giving the thumbs up with his other hand held the cord over a guillotine, which a personified bottle of liquor laid, tied up and helpless, terrified of what he knows the coach and executioner will do to him.
Seton Hall will be tasked with the winner of No. 1 seed Baylor and No. 4 seed Wisconsin (Friday at 8:30 p.m. EST). The team’s Elite Eight game – its first since 1991 and only third in program history – will be Monday at 5:30 p.m. EST in Charlotte.
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.