The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 3 Kentucky 79, 14 Bradley 63
Kentucky routed Bradley from start to finish Friday, 79-63, in an attempt to exercise its demons from the last time it played a Missouri Valley team.
The Wildcats lost at home to Evansville, 67-64, on Nov. 12. The Purple Aces proceeded to lose every conference game in the MVC, making the upset that much more incredible.
Kentucky head coach and old-timey mafia man John Calipari said the beat down of Bradley was his attempt at revenge.
“I don’t care for those wise guys out in the Missouri Valley, see,” he said while wearing a trench coat and playing cards. “Where I come from, we take care of people like that, and their associates, too. Bradley got what it had coming.”
Johnny Juzang, the real name of a Kentucky player you’ve never heard of, was named Player of the Game by what appeared to be a barely-alive Greg Gumble following his outstanding performance. The freshman put up 24 points on 10-of-21 shooting from the floor, plus six rebounds.
His availability in the post-game press conference was short.
“I don’t need this anymore. This college shit is beneath me,” Juzang said after having averaging 2.9 points per game during the season. “Your boy about to be drafted. One-and-done. Kiss my ass.”
For Bradley head coach Brian Wardle, the loss adds insult to injury. Recently, Wardle had tried out for the community theater production of Othello. He learned moments before tip that he did not receive a call back.
“It’s a difficult time,” Wardle admitted, wearing his heart of his sleeve. “You put everything you have into something, just for it to slap you in the face. I mean, not even a minor role? Not even the Clown? Maybe dreams are meant to stay dreams, huh?
“God, that’s sad. I don’t want to think about that.”
Kentucky will match up against No. 6 seed Iowa in the second round of Reddit March Madness, and John Calipari said he’s ready.
“To hell wit’ the whole Midwest,” he said. “Fran is gettin’ whacked.”
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.