Indiana Defeats USC as Hoosiers Faithful Lose Faith
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 9 Indiana 75, 8 USC 67
When Andy Enfield took the job at USC in 2013, the athletic department made his objectives clear to him.
“I was to run an unstable, unreliable program that always performed worse than its talent level,” he said. “It was also important that I instill poor decision-making skills into the players on the court.”
After his team’s 75-67 loss to Indiana in the first round of Reddit March Madness, it seems he has been successful. In Enfield’s seven seasons at the helm, USC has advanced beyond the Round of 64 once and made the tournament thrice, including 2020.
Perhaps it’s decisions like playing senior forward Nick Rakocevic for only five minutes despite the scorer averaging 10.5 points per game – the third-most on the squad – on 27.3 minutes per contest that have helped Enfield keep USC in park.
“We’re a school located in talent-rich Southern California with a nationally recognizable brand and private school money,” Enfield explained. “There’s only so much you can expect.”
Part of why Indiana won the game was its three-point shooting. The Hoosiers were 47.4 percent (9-of-19) from beyond the arc, a steady improvement from their 32.6 percent clip from the regular season.
Jerome Hunter was the biggest reason as he went 5-of-10 from deep, which helped him score a game-high 22 on the night in just 12 minutes of game action.
Indiana head coach and sweaty owl Archie Miller said he gave Hunter more time than he was originally planning to but that it’s important to remember that he’s a massive dick.
“I’m a huge dick,” Miller said. “So, yeah, I sat him and even though he was shooting well. I didn’t feel like playing him. Get out of my face.”
Miller also got great production out of his big men. Joey “Big Junk” Brunk and the law firm of Trayce, Jackson & Davis both had double-doubles and were integral on both sides of the ball.
“When you have balls like mine, you don’t need luck,” said Big Junk Brunk, tilting down his sunglasses and raising his eyebrows.
Not everyone is happy in Indiana, though. For a portion of the self-hating fan base, a loss would have been preferred.
“Great, fucking great,” complained Richard Stroganoff, Class of ’87. “One damn win in a video game, and we’re stuck with Archie for another two years, minimum.
“You’ll never replace Bobby!” he shouted as he stood to face at a wall poster of Miller with googly eyes, a crudely drawn mustache and a goofy sombrero vandalizing the coach’s appearance.
“You’ll never replace Bobby,” Stroganoff quietly muttered, slumping against the wall and collapsing into a heap of tears and woe.
Indiana will be tasked with the winner of No. 1 seed Baylor and No. 16 seed Boston University (Sunday at 10 p.m. EST). Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.