Greg Gard Scolds Me After Wisconsin Falls to Baylor in Sweet 16
The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness Sweet 16 – 1 Baylor 88, 4 Wisconsin 79
After Baylor handled Indiana in the second round, head coach Scott Drew let it be known that he and his team would stop at nothing to dole out pain, suffering and destruction.
His reign of terror continued Friday as his Bears terrorized Wisconsin, 88-79, to achieve the program’s first Elite Eight since 2012 and only its fifth all-time.
“There is not an ounce of sympathy in me for the wretched whom we devour,” Drew said during the locker room celebration. “We will continue to bring reprehensible damage to thus who stand before us. We’re thirsty for blood, hungry for violence and gluttons for a good massacre.”
This is the second game in a row that Scott Drew has not murdered a person, team nor university, a step in the right direction after a particularly bloody first round.
There were no talks of peace from forward Mark Vital, though, who was named Player of the Game after scoring 24 points and adding four steals. He seemed ready for war as he arrived at the post-game press conference carrying the carcass of a slain Bucky over his shoulder.
“I took him out with my bear hands,” he said, squatting down and acting out the event with a crazed look in his eye, then softening up. “And no, that isn’t a typo. I used my ‘bear’ hands. Get it? Bear, like because we’re the Bears, the Baylor Bears. But also, I used my bare hands to strangle the life out of Wisconsin’s mascot.
“Haha my sense of humor is so wacky.”
This means the end of Wisconsin head coach Greg Gard in Reddit March Madness, unfortunately relieving us from his garbles of wisdom. He said this wasn’t goodbye, just see you later.
“Garble, garble, garble,” Gard garbled, hypothesizing about the many phases and stages of life, how they ebb and flow, oftentimes out of your control and sometimes without you even noticing until enough time has passed, and on the eternal temporary nature of life and everything on and in this planet. “Garble, garble, garble.”
His speech got me thinking about the greater global impact a message like this could have. I raised my hand and asked Greg Gard if he felt that humans as a species would come to the realization of climate change too late after the temporary nature of our currently stable-enough environment loses its stable-enough status.
“Garble, garble, garble,” he garbled, insulting me for bringing up such a hoax and shouting at me to leave, insisting that he would not continue the presser until I was gone. “Garble, garble, garble.”
That means I didn’t get to go to any more press conference. It was a totally fair question. I was looking forward to prodding Brad Davison mercilessly about his 5-of-14 shooting night in the loss, but no, Greg Gard had to take that away from me when it was one of the few things I had left.
Dejected, I walked outside of the arena, sat on the curb and did some personal reflecting.
Baylor will play No. 3 seed Seton Hall in the Elite Eight on Monday at 5:30 p.m. EST in Charlotte. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.