The CDC has reported that basketball players and coaches are not immune to COVID-19.
The study conducted by the agency found that basketball players and coaches are almost always human beings, making them excellent vectors to catch and spread the coronavirus.
It went on to conclude that basketball teams tend to congregate in closed quarters, particularly in small, indoor areas like gyms and locker rooms, and that mask wearing, social distancing and hand washing are nearly impossible to achieve while playing a basketball game. Additionally, the findings showed that even self-described “gym rats” who “need to get (their) shots up” are susceptible to COVID-19.
The news comes as a shock to the NCAA, which began its men’s and women’s college basketball seasons in November a whole three weeks late.
“We are troubled to hear of the CDC’s latest findings on COVID-19,” NCAA president Mark Emmert lied. “The safety and poverty of our student-athletes is crucial to us.”
In response, the NCAA continued ahead with its season, spacing out benches for no practical purpose and asking coaches to wear masks below their chins whenever talking, screaming, scolding or feeling like it on the sideline, especially if they’re on national television.
The NBA, which found great success earlier in the year with its bubble for the 2020 NBA Playoffs, announced it would do not that. Instead, the league is set to launch its only-10-games-shorter regular season in late December at home stadiums when COVID-19 will surely be less of an issue.
“You have to understand, I’m not of human form,” said NBA commissioner and citizen of Omnicron-478 of the Utic Deltrosi (You-TEECK del-DROO-see) Galaxy Adam Silver. “It is unfortunate for a life form such as mine to be NBA commissioner right now.”
Some players and coaches have made their reservations about COVID-19 known. Duke head coach and notoriously-gracious loser Mike Krzyzewski questioned whether or not playing now was the correct decision after his team lost, 83-68, to Illinois at home, and Iona men’s basketball head coach and literal cannoli Rick Pitino, who has been outspoken in calls for the NCAA to delay its season until the spring and to host a May Madness.
He said he’s had to make sweeping changes to his coaching style to adapt to this season’s circumstances.
“Look, it’s gotten so bad that I’m not even bringing strippers around my program anymore,” Pitino said. “I can’t risk exposing my players, or the minors I recruit, to COVID. That would be irresponsible.”
It remains unclear what will be done about this new information regarding COVID-19 and basketball, but what does remain clear are game cancellations, more bad things will happen, and Kansas State sucks.