The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 11 Texas Tech 75, 6 Penn State 66
When Chris Beard took the Texas Tech job in 2016, it had been 22 years since the Red Raiders had seen victory over their bitter rivals: Penn State. In fact, it had been 22 years since they had met their enemies at all due to the jet stream.
But Chris Beard promised to redirect the currents in the stratosphere or hemisphere or whichever sphere has the big winds with a series of careful placed fans. It took him four years, but in 2020, he fixed the jet stream, and Lubbock was salivating.
“I’ve been eating nothing but mountain lion for weeks,” said Texas Tech student Benny “The Multiplier” Martinez. “My stool is hardening. Wreck ’em Tech!”
The people behind Reddit March Madness heard the prayers coming from West Texas, and now that the jet stream situation has been all worked out, they did what they could. Texas Tech was given one of the final at-large bids in the Dance, and with a win, would face Penn State in the first round.
The Red Raiders narrowly got by NC State in the First Four, 78-75, and earned the right to battle the Nittany Lions.
“This is why you come to Texas Tech,” Beard said after the win, overcome with emotion. “This is going to mean a lot to a lot of people.”
Chris Beard made good on his promise to get the Red Raiders another date with Penn State, and he made good on capitalizing on it, too. Texas Tech knocked the Nittany Lions out of the tournament, 75-66, in a cathartic victory.
“I just hate them so much,” Beard blubbered between sobs of joy. “They’re so self-righteous with their ‘unrivaled’ thing, and I can’t even say anything I dislike about their basketball program specifically because it’s so irrelevant that they don’t even care about it. Penn State was a mistake.”
Penn State head coach and military drill commander Pat Chambers was upset with the loss, particularly lamenting a more than seven-minute period in the second half where his team failed to score.
“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit!,” Gunnery Sgt. Chambers was overheard shouting in the locker room after the loss. “Get the fuck off of my team! Get the fuck away from off my locker room! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Harrar, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!”
Lamar Stevens and Myreon Jones combined for 40 points for Penn State. The rest of the team mustered just 26.
“SIR, YES, SIR!” Private John Harrar responded to his gunnery sergeant, standing at attention with a bead of sweat slowly rolling down his forehead as he starred straight ahead, trying to focus his mind on his mother to smooth him.
Texas Tech will challenge the winner of No. 3 seed Seton Hall and No. 14 seed Belmont (Sunday at 7:15 p.m. EST). Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.