The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
BYU Reddit March Madness Results
First Round – Defeated No. 12 seed Stephen F. Austin, 78-75
Second Round – Defeated No. 13 seed Vermont, 83-73
Sweet 16 – Defeated No. 1 seed Kansas, 82-73
Elite Eight – Defeated No. 3 seed Kentucky, 96-86
Final Four – Defeated No. 6 seed West Virginia, 97-90
Cougars Remain Focused on the Day of the Big Game
We are only hours away from tip off of the 2020 National Championship Game. BYU and Seton Hall are meeting in the biggest game of the season to determine which program will walk away from Atlanta with its first-ever national championship.
How are the teams preparing the day of the big game? That’s what I went looking to find out.
The BYU Cougars are playing in the big one for the first time in their program’s history, and they’re on the verge of something pretty special.
“We’ve never been this close to solving the muggle problem,” BYU head coach Tom Riddle explained. “For all wizards out there who care about the survival of our kind, this is an incredibly huge deal.”
The coach acknowledged the pressure that comes with thousands of years of hard work culminating into one moment.
“We know the microscope is on us like never before in BYU history,” You-Know-Who said. “We know what is at stake for our kind. We welcome this sort of setting, though. This is where we thrive. Our kind has been under siege for eons. Do you understand the kind of pressure that brings on a day-to-day basis? This pressure isn’t something we’re unused to. In fact, we revel in it. This pressure means the muggle problem may finally be solved, once and for all. DEATH TO ALL MUGGLES!”
BYU senior guard Draco “TJ Haws” Malfoy agreed with his coach that this team is excited for the pressure.
“We could have the muggle problem behind us tonight if we get this done,” Malfoy said. “Sure, that brings pressure, but it’s good pressure. That’s the pressure we want, the pressure we’ve been working all season, and really for our entire lives, to be under. This is why you come to BYU, to make a difference.”
Malfoy has been a major part of BYU’s run to its first national championship game, as have several members of the team. Senior guard Zac Seljaas has really stepped his game up for the tournament, which has had him pumped and Malfoy stumped.
“I saw what Draco said about the shot I made at near the end of the West Virginia game,” Seljaas said with a straight face. “I understand where he’s coming from. We all want the glory of being the person who saves the wizard race from the wicked muggles. I get it, trust me. We have to put all that aside, though. We can be the people and team that saved the wizard race from the wicked muggles. That’s how we’re going to achieve purification, through teamwork.”
Riddle said he is proud of the togetherness BYU has displayed throughout this tournament. The way his players have come together to fight against a common enemy has been inspiring to watch, he said.
“It means so much to me to have these guys be so dedicated to the cause,” he stammered out, emotions slowly beginning to get to him. “You know, as coaches, we work so hard to put our players in the best positions possible to succeed, but it isn’t possible without their buy-in and care. They have to want it. They have to want it more than anything else, and they have to want it together. This is a special group right here, and one that can seriously take out a huge portion of the muggle population tonight. The best part is, they can do it as a team.”
Before completing this article, I felt it imperative to meet with Deep Stroke to give him an opportunity to provide the public with one more warning that it won’t listen to, fully knowing that many of those same people who ignored all his caution and even mocked him for it will later find any way to push responsibility onto someone or something else, always playing the victim regardless of reality, displaying in full blast the hellish pits of human stupidity.
“Please, God, won’t anyone listen to me?” Deep Stroke pleaded into the void of repeated history as I yawned. “Riddle says, ‘DEATH TO ALL MUGGLES’ almost every time you talk to him. Doesn’t that scare anyone? Do people even listen to the words this guy says? The dude is one win away from erasing a massive segment of the population from existence, and it feels like no one is reacting. WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!”
I told Deep Stroke to shut up and finish already because I had a few episodes of Tiger King waiting for me at home. Incredulous, he stormed away, muttering something about the collapse of society as we know it, which I scoffed at of course, because everyone knows, if something hasn’t happened in the short amount of time relative to human existence that I’ve been alive, then it is never going to happen.
There is nothing to be worried about. Everything will be fine. Even if Riddle and BYU win, it is all going to work out. Nothing that bad is going to happen. Stop being so negative.
Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.