The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
BYU Reddit March Madness Results
First Round – Defeated No. 12 Stephen F. Austin, 78-75
Second Round – Defeated No. 13 Vermont, 83-73
Sweet 16 – Defeated No. 1 Kansas, 82-73
Provo Expects Massive Marriage Spike with BYU Run
These aren’t your father’s Cougars.
For the first time since 1981, BYU men’s basketball is in the Elite Eight, and that has been a cause for celebration in Provo.
Since the team’s massive Sweet 16 win over No. 1 seed Kansas, the tournament’s favorite and top overall seed, the campus has been a non-stop madhouse of activities and fun, including sober modest dancing, sober modest flirting, sober modest hand-holding and nothing more.
“The Cougars are one win from the Final Four!” said 8-year-old BYU fan Ammon Bluth, whose parents told him after the Vermont game that if the Cougars made it to the Final Four, then God was listening to his prayers. “I can’t wait until God listens to my prayers about world peace and hunger, too!”
BYU basketball fans from all across Utah and surrounding states have flocked to the university this week in anticipation of the mass number of wedding expected if the team really does get to the national semifinals. Mormon priests from across the world are being called to Provo to fulfill the potential demand.
“We need more of us,” said Jake Toolson, ripping into the calf of a muggle he’d hunted earlier in the day. “Our breed is dying out. That is why Tom Riddle is so important.”
BYU head coach Tom Riddle has been a divisive figure in this Reddit March Madness, having been accused of colluding to get the disc of tournament director /u/JaniSWFC corrupted, forcing the event to be delayed by one week, though his team got its game in before the delay.
I have been meeting with Deep Stroke, an anonymous source within the Cougars athletics department who has been providing me information on the situation within the BYU men’s basketball program. Last time I reported on our conversations, Deep Stroke all but confirmed Riddle was behind it. This time, I came to him with some better questions.
“Great question,” he said earnestly when I asked him whether or not the disc was corrupted on site or taken from location and tampered with elsewhere, then returned, which was in stark contrast to how he treated me before, and that really hurt my feelings because of some deep-seated issues I have left over from childhood, but for him to be real with me and appreciate my efforts like that, it was tough for me to hold it together. “Think about the kind of power Riddle possesses. He’s a wizard, a dark wizard. Nothing is too low for him.”
I kept hold of myself while Deep Stroke and I made small talk about how weird it is for there to not be any sports before he went on his way. As soon as he was gone and out of earshot, I let it out, and the catharsis of being appreciated made me feel human again.
BYU will challenge No. 3 seed Kentucky in South Regional Final in Houston on Monday at 7 p.m. EST. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.
