The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.
The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.
Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.
* = this means you can’t sue me
Reddit March Madness First Round – 6 West Virginia 80, 11 UCLA 69
West Virginia topped UCLA, 80-69, on Sunday in Denver, but the game didn’t come without tragedy.
After disagreeing with a series of calls in the first half, West Virginia head coach Bob Huggins was beside himself at the break. After the horn sounded to end the half, he confronted the officials in the tunnel. After one ref told him to stop and began to walk away, Huggins lunged and tackling him, pinning him under his body weight.
He then savagely tore into his flesh, first ripping at the ref’s chest and shoulders before mauling his neck and face. The cries and screams of man who knew his life was coming to an end deafened the arena, and a frightened silence befell the crowd.
For minutes, the brutal attack wore on with thousands listening to the tearing of skin, the breaking of bones and the final yelps of a dying man’s last pleas. After it was done, Huggins slowly rose, standing on only his hind legs and faced the two remaining refs, bearing his teeth.
The two officials cowered, understanding the message was sent. Bob Huggins stood down and meandered to the locker room, grunting to himself the whole way. The fourth official took over for the deceased, and the game carried on as scheduled.
“You wish you could grab those 5-6, 140-pound blowhards and choke them,” Huggins said in 2017. “But obviously you can’t.”
“I grabbed that 5-6, 140-pound blowhard and choked him,” Huggins said in 2020. “So obviously I can.”
UCLA head coach Mick Cronin wasn’t as angry as expected in the post-game press conference after what seemed to be a successful attempt at referee intimidation. He said that before tip, he had received important word from home that meant he couldn’t possibly be in a bad mood.
“Ding dong! The Witch is dead,” he sang. “Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding dong! The Wicked Witch is dead!”
The UCLA athletic department released a statement that it doesn’t care enough to do anything.
West Virginia will play the winner of No. 3 seed Duke and No. 14 seed Hofstra (Sunday at 6:30 p.m. EST) in the second round some time in the untold future. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.