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Cincinnati Fails to Upset Auburn, Just Like We Knew They Would

The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness First Round – 5 Auburn 57, 12 Cincinnati 51

It took a second-half resurgence and an understanding on its opponent, but Auburn avoided the first round upset, taking out Cincinnati, 57-51, in the first round of Reddit March Madness.

For Auburn head coach Fred Flintstone, known in modern times as Bruce Pearl, he was never concerned, even when his team was down double digits in the second half.

“Once we saw we had Cincinnati in our first game, we weren’t too worried,” Flintstone said. “You can take the Cronin out of the Cincinnati, but you can’t take the Cincinnati out of the Cincinnati.”

The Bearcats have now been to 10-straight NCAA Tournaments, but for the eighth time in a row, they failed to make it out of the first weekend, and this now makes five first-round exits since 2013.

“And I would have gotten away with it, too,” said Cincinnati head coach and real-life Scooby Doo villain John Brannen, menacingly, “if it weren’t for you meddling refs.”

John Brannen was beside himself over the officiating in the post-game press conference.

Auburn’s Isaac Okoro made two late layups that helped seal the deal for the Tigers, showing off the freshman’s athleticism.

“Welcome to the rodeo,” Okoro said. “Hit ’em with the okie-doke and send ’em to the corral.

“Yeah, we ranchers now, boy. Cattle all day.”

Animated GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
Isaac Okoro put ’em in the spin cycle and DID NOT remember to put the clothes in the dryer. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

For senior brothers Jarron and Jaevin Cumberland, who are clearly two different people and not dinosaurs who have been sent from the past to infiltrate human society and become modern civilization’s downfall as the dinosaurs and other Ice Age creatures retake what it rightfully theirs, this means the end of their college careers. It’s a difficult moment for the Cumberland entity.

“We tried taking as many contested mid-range jumpers we as could,” they said in unison with unwavering eye contact, “but we couldn’t make enough of them to win.”

Auburn will battle the winner of No. 4 seed Wisconsin and No. 13 seed North Texas (Saturday at 5 p.m. EST). Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

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