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Raymond Tortuga brings the heat with 21 basketball predictions for 2021 that are guaranteed, unquestionably and absolutely, to occur precisely as guessed.

21 Basketball Predictions for 2021

I don’t normally do this. I am a straight-laced, by-the-book reporter. But my generous and well-educated boss told me I had to, so here are 21 basketball predictions for 2021.

These are to be taken with a grain of salt; everyone knows I’m smart, but I’m not a savant. I cannot predict the future. But here I am, predicting the future.

Basketball predictions for 2021 shouldn’t be too hard, right?

21 Basketball Predictions for 2021

1. Games will be cancelled

COVID-19 can spread to basketball players and coaches, as I reported a few weeks ago. I predict that in 2021, some basketball games that were scheduled to be played will be cancelled because of the coronavirus.

2. People will be sad about it

Games getting cancelled is sad. People will be sad about it.

3. That sadness will lead to no meaningful change, and more people will get sick

Yep.

4. The Detroit Pistons will not win a game

They’re pretty bad.

5. The Orlando Magic are your 2021 NBA champions

Undefeated at this stage of the season? And in this economy? STAND UP, ORLANDO!

6. The Miami Sol make their triumphant return back to the WNBA

This is a team that technically existed.

7. All cheating in college basketball will stop

No more, we’ve had enough. In 2021, college basketball will enter a new era of purity and altruism, and there’s nothing Will Wade can do about it.

8. College basketball players will work for free

And they’ll do it out of love and compassion for their fledging university administrators.

9. Rick Pitino will continue to rehabilitate his image through Twitter

Not even providing escorts to minors can kill this man.

10. Gonzaga will win the 2021 Men’s NCAA Tournament

With the win, Gonzaga will complete the ultimate Cinderella story, riding highly-touted recruits and incredible grad transfers to the most unlikely of championships.

11. NJIT will win the 2021 Women’s NCAA Tournament

This is finally the Highlanders’ year.

12. Refs will suck

BOOOO REFS BOOOO

13. LeBron James will run for president

Fuck the rules, anything can happen.

14. The NCAA will go soft on James Naismith

Kansas could launch a nuclear strike on Manhattan and still only get probation.

The FBI uncovered a lucrative pay-for-play scheme operated by James Naismith while he was the head coach at Kansas from 1898 to 1907. It's pretty bad.
The FBI uncovered a lucrative pay-for-play scheme operated by James Naismith while he was the head coach at Kansas from 1898 to 1907. It’s pretty bad.

15. William & Mary men’s basketball will miss the NCAA Tournament

And there’s a good chance the Tribe will stomp their fans hearts on the ground in the process. William & Mary? More like Never Be Merry because YOU SUCK.

16. Tim Miles has his glasses amputated

That goofy sum’bitch will never see it comin’.

I love you, Tim.

17. Bobby Knight makes his comeback

One of the greatest and most divisive coaches in history, Bobby Knight left Indiana mired in scandal in 2000. For the first time in 20 years, he came back to Bloomington in 2020 before going to basketball games was a thing we couldn’t do. Now that Knight and Indiana are on good terms again, I predict he will be hired to take over the program after Archie Miller slowly transforms into a half-sentient piece of aggressively chewed gum, rendering him incapable of continuing his coaching career.

18. Penn State will start a men’s basketball program

And no one will notice.

19. The Utah Jazz will change their name to the Utah Classic Country

While going by the Utah Basketball Team during a transitional purgatory period.

20. Twitter users with no photo will be angry that the WNBA exists

I’ve never understood why women dribbling basketballs makes some people so upset, but I am confident this unsettling and clearly unhealthy behavior will continue, especially when it makes absolutely no sense.

21. I, Raymond Tortuga, will become a part of your everyday routine

You will read me in the morning when you wake up. You will read me on the toilet when you poop. You will read me in bed before you sleep.

My scoops are too hot, my style is too impeccable. Women love me, men fear me, dogs befriend me. I am the one who knocks.

¡2021 será el año de la tortuga!

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